Become the Person You Wish to Attract

a law of attraction

The Best Decision I Ever Made was giving marriage a second chance. After my first marriage ended in divorce many years ago, I had basically written off ever walking down the aisle again, especially after experiencing subsequent disappointing dating experiences as well.

Many of us can probably relate to making similar proclamations when looking over our unsatisfying dating and marriage histories thus far. It might seem like there ‘just aren’t any good men or women out there anymore’ and become discouraged of ever finding that special someone.

Fortunately, when we remember that we’re the other half of our unsuccessful relationships, this can be a very empowering piece of information. Not that we have to change who we are or play games in order to land a desired mate but by enhancing certain aspects of ourselves we’re more likely to meet the type of person we wish to attract.

For instance, if we want a mature, thoughtful, confident, honest partner with integrity, than we need to become that type of person too.

When we ask ourselves, “What is it about me that is choosing a certain type of mate or putting up with certain types of behavior?” then we can increase our chances of finding a more fulfilling relationship by learning how we might be sabotaging ourselves.

It is extremely beneficial to look at each relationship we’ve ever been involved in and notice any similarities among them. Upon review, we may find that we’ve had the same relationship over and over again with the same dynamics playing out over and over again. The names and faces may have been different in each relationship but the repetitive patterns of behavior, and interactions were eerily the same.

We’ll want to observe what it was about each partner that attracted us in the first place? Certainly, physical attractiveness is often an initial enticement but what else did we want in a companion? Are we only attracted to someone with a good sense of humor, who makes us laugh and showers us with compliments?

Upon further investigation, we might realize that we don’t really have much in the way of criteria for what we desire in a relationship or what type of person we desire. Doing a self-appraisal will help us to start looking at how we treat ourselves and others, gain clarity on what we want and improve our self-esteem.

Having low self-esteem can cause us to do the following:

  1. Ignore much of another’s character issues because we feel honored and validated to have been chosen by that person for a date.
  1. Not speak up for ourselves when we don’t feel good about the words and behavior directed at us by our mate.
  1. Excuse missed phone calls, late date arrivals and accepting last minute dates.
  1. Teach others that we don’t require much of them by allowing certain treatment to continue uncorrected or expressed.
  1. Work hard to be who others want us to be and fulfill what they need at our own expense.
  1. Accept certain behaviors because we lack personal boundaries and have poor self-care.
  1. Have difficulty asking for what we need because we fear abandonment or hurting others feelings while ignoring our own.

Over time, stuffing our feelings and ignoring certain behaviors inevitably leads to fighting, nagging, self-pity and depression which doesn’t benefit anyone or make for a happy relationship.

So, when we invest in taking care of ourselves and increase our self-esteem we can look forward to healthier behaviors such as:

  1. Releasing attempts to control another through martyrdom, guilt and feeling sorry for ourselves to get someone to do as we want.
  1. Staying away from trying to force someone do, feel, or think anything.
  1. Realizing that someone else’s character or ways of being is not our job to fix.
  1. Maximizing our own happiness and focus on our own character building.
  1. Learning to communicate what we need, want and desire while feeling strong enough to walk away if we are unable to reach an agreement.
  1. Stop settling for what doesn’t work for us.  
  1. Look to share positive interests, insights and viewpoints of life.

Had I not looked within myself or continued to view marriage and potential partners as the enemy, I would have missed out on experiencing the wonderful relationship I enjoy today!

Action Step:

Review your relationships, and lovingly see what part you play in its success or discomfort.

Don’t Sell Yourself Short

a love you

Recently, someone asked me a question about what I was doing professionally, and I heard myself give a very minimizing answer. It reminded me of a friend who used to say, “don’t play takeaway” when speaking about ourselves or our accomplishments.

Many of us can relate to this when someone pays us a compliment, and instead of saying ‘thank you’ we downplay what was complimented. We might say, “oh, this old thing” when someone recognizes something nice we are wearing or “anyone can do that” when our creative talents are recognized.

Downplaying ourselves can become a habit and we might not even realize we are doing it until we have a moment of clarity, and really hear ourselves. I actually said to this friend after a few minutes, “you know what? I realized I just minimized my answer and would like to respond in the way that is more accurate, and the way I would have liked to respond originally.”

This led to a very meaningful conversation about how she too, can undervalue herself in certain areas of life as well. As a result of this honest and empowering exchange, we both left feeling good about ourselves and more connected with each other.

a i am 2

There is nothing arrogant about accepting a compliment or feeling proud of ourselves about some aspect of our lives. Unfortunately, many of us think we are being conceited or full of ourselves if we express satisfaction about something we have done or are doing.

Humility is a beautiful quality but is quite different than putting ourselves down or minimizing any positive acknowledgments that are directed our way.

Do you catch yourself diminishing aspects of who you are?

Action Step:

Pay attention to the words you use when someone pays you a compliment or asks about your life. Be sure not to sell yourself short.

Create Some Space in Your Day

a space 2

We have all heard the words, “I need my space” or variations of this sentiment in one form or another. It is usually expressed in relationships when one partner needs some time away from the other or announced preceding a break-up. Though the connotation seems quite negative, it is actually a positive declaration for honoring the fact that we all need time alone, and space in our daily lives.

It can be tempting to busy our schedules with constant events and people, while neglecting some downtime for ourselves or making room in our daily itinerary between appointments. For example, we may set up a lunch date for noon, and then plan a doctor’s appointment for 1:00. Scheduling our day in this way creates unnecessary stress by booking our agenda too tight, and packing too much into a short span of time.

Additionally, we can have such an ordered and routine way of life that we forget to add room for flexibility, and spontaneity as well. For instance, we may fall into the habit of eating at the same restaurants every week, and doing the same activities every weekend. Over time it can feel like we aren’t choosing our schedule but it is choosing us.

a space

Giving ourselves breathing room and adding some variety to our lives will definitely make “needing space” a welcome and positive statement to hear, especially when we are the ones saying it.

How do you create space in your day?

Action Step:

Put some distance between appointments today, and try planning something different for this weekend.

Reduce Feelings of Self-Consciousness

a confidence 2

Many of us know the experience of losing ourselves in a movie, and being transported away from our lives for a while. During the film, we aren’t focused on our physical appearance or worrying about the state of our popularity. Instead, we are totally immersed in the show before us, and temporarily released from the thoughts that regularly occupy our attention. However, as soon as the movie ends, we are brought back to the story of our own lives, and sometimes that tale includes feelings of self-consciousness.

Our self-consciousness stems from a hyper-awareness of our perceived insufficiencies, and the assumption that others are judging us negatively. In truth, this is just a habit of judging ourselves adversely, and is not about other people. Therefore, even though it may seem like the negativity we feel is coming from outside us; it is really coming from within.

Consequently, rather than fearing external condemnation from others, we fear the disapproval of our internal critic. This internal faultfinder can be pretty harsh, especially when we want to try new things or risk being vulnerable in front of others.

For example, many of us have a fear of public speaking because we are concerned about potential unflattering judgments from the audience, and worried we will embarrass ourselves. With these kinds of self-doubting thoughts in our consciousness, it is no wonder we would want to avoid giving a public presentation. The criticisms we would receive appear as feedback from the audience but are actually echoing from within.

a leap

On the other hand, if we were to approach the podium with positive thoughts about ourselves and our abilities, this would naturally make the experience a whole lot more enjoyable. We would have nothing to fear at that point from our internal critic, and everything to gain from having belief in ourselves.

So, instead of asking the question, ‘what would people think about me?’ when we attempt to live more authentically, it would be more helpful to ask, ‘what do I think of me?’ The answer to that question would help to reveal the beliefs and thoughts we have about ourselves.

Therefore, the difference between self-consciousness and self-confidence lies in the way we think and what we believe. Self-conscious people look at experiences as further evidence of their failings, and confident people tend to focus on their strengths. Both of these viewpoints are learned responses, and can be unlearned which is good news for those of us who may struggle on the lower end of the self-love continuum.

This is not to say that we haven’t experienced criticisms from those around us or been directly harmed by others. However, we are often our harshest critic, and have thought much worse than they could say.

a self confidence

Besides, those that ridicule others are dealing with faulty beliefs about themselves too, which has nothing to do with us. It affects us but is not a reflection of us; it is a reflection of the one who is unfairly evaluating others.

It is a life long journey to become the full expression of who we really are, and not be concerned with the reactions, or expectations of others. Regardless of how evolved we may be, there will always be times when we feel vulnerable and afraid to express our true selves.

However, during those times, or other occasions when we are feeling uncomfortable, we can always get the training and practice needed in order to reduce some of our anxieties as well.

For instance, my husband and I got together with a group of people recently, so we could rehearse an upcoming talk we were giving and wanted to get their objective feedback. The results were wonderful because it gave us some great ways to enhance our speech, and reduced our concerns by becoming more prepared for when the event arises.

The more we become aware of our full potential and challenge the validity of negative judgments, the more we will come to love ourselves, and walk comfortably in our world.


Take a look at the judgments you believe are being directed at you, and write them down. Then, start challenging them by creating a more positive replacement.

Count Your Blessings

a blessing

Sometimes, we experience times when everything seems to be going wrong. When we are confronted with one problem after another, it can blind our blessings from view, and affect our positive mood.

Therefore, I thought I would share the poem below which offers a lift, and puts everything into proper perspective.


Count Your Blessings

By Kelly Johnston

Count your blessings instead of your crosses;
Count your gains instead of your losses.

Count your joys instead of your woes;
Count your friends instead of your foes.

Count your smiles instead of your tears;
Count your courage instead of your fears.

Count your full years instead of your lean;
Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.

Count your health instead of your wealth;
Love your neighbor as much as yourself.

Resist Putting People on Pedestals

a pedestal 1

“Don’t put me on a pedestal, for I am sure to fall. Just love me as I am flaws and all.”

– Author Unknown 

It is great to admire, respect and look up to those who are excelling in some area of life or be impressed by someone’s exceptional wisdom. To be sure, another’s brilliance can inspire us to new actions, and encourage us by the heroic acts that they do.

However, appreciating someone’s talents and abilities is certainly much different than putting them on a pedestal and idealizing them in some way.

While it might seem flattering to put someone in an elevated place, it actually isn’t fair to them or us. When we hold others in a glorified position, we are holding them to a higher standard than those less exalted, and often seeing ourselves in a lower level position.

This imbalanced delegation of power can cause us to diminish our own special skills, while at the same time, placing exceedingly unrealistic expectations on the object of our affection as well.

Mirroring certain attributes we appreciate and admire in someone else isn’t necessarily harmful unless we are trying to be someone else or copying their way of life in exchange for our own.

a mirror

Though we hear that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, it can take on a negative twist when it blurs the lines between our lives and the one we emulate.

Equally destructive is the adverse reactions experienced when the object of our admiration doesn’t live up to the high expectations or character of whom we created them to be. The ensuing judgments of them can become harsh and disproportionately out of focus as well.

So, instead of putting someone on a pedestal, we can look to achieve a more balanced perspective by simply appreciating their talents and abilities while at the same time equally appreciating our own as well.

Action Step:

Assess if you have placed someone on a pedestal, and use it as a signal to rejuvenate aspects of your own life, and to treat yourself as an equal.