Tag Archive | self-care

Deactivate People Pleasing Buttons

We’ve all heard the refrain, “Just say No!” or “Speak Your Truth” in response to undesirable requests or unpleasant behaviors from other people.

Clearly easier said than done!

For instance, many of us can relate to saying ‘Yes’ when we wanted to say ‘No’ because we didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or appear unkind in our honesty.  So, we agreed to the request with our words, which didn’t align with what we really wanted to say.

In these cases, it’s easy to blame the other person for our dishonest answer, but often it is our own people pleasing habits, or fear of confrontation that made us go against our true preferences, desires, wants and needs.

That said, it isn’t about blaming ourselves either! Rather, it’s about more quickly recognizing that our pleasing button has been pushed, and use awareness to more quickly deactivate it.

Certainly, nothing wrong with helping others feel good, but that’s different than going against ourselves or reacting out of obligation.

Surely, none of us want to hide who we are in order to gain approval from others, but we can fall into that trap sometimes to keep the peace. Unfortunately, this always backfires on us!

Though we might make someone else happy by our compliance, we are left feeling miserable in our abandonment of self. Obviously, with easygoing people, it is easier to have reasonable conversations where you communicate and listen to each other’s point of view and make decisions accordingly.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case, as not everyone welcomes our truth, and their displeasure can be transmitted with hostility, criticism and the like.

Ultimately, we have to get rid of the notion that it is selfish to say ‘no’ or to have conflicting preferences or points of view from those around us.

Only by living in alignment can we experience authentic relationships where each person follows their own internal guidance system and responds accordingly, rather than allowing others to monopolize the relationship by only taking their desires into account.

Whom or what triggers you into people pleasing behavior?

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Contemplate Getting a Mentor

As many of you know, in addition to doing personal growth coaching with wonderful clients, I’ve been pursuing a Master’s degree in counseling, which takes me away from my communicating here from time to time.

The last few weeks have especially flown by quickly, but I wanted to check in, as I always enjoy our connecting together and will continue to do so.

Connection is so important and it makes me think about all the wonderful contacts I’ve made throughout the years, who have been empowering mentors that provided very valuable personal guidance along the way.

As most of us can attest to, without supportive direction, many of us wouldn’t be pursuing or achieving the goals we have in our life.

That being said, sometimes it’s not always easy to find or know where to go to find the needed support we are looking for at a given time.

Often, when introducing myself and what I do, I’m often asked what a coach does, which is a great question, as it can mean different things to different people.

Therefore, below is a relatively brief highlight list of what a coach or mentor can assist with as follows:

  • A coach helps you clarify what you want to accomplish in your life
  • Supports you through your fears and self-doubt
  • Keeps you focused on the big picture of where you want to go
  • Guides you to do your best and step outside your comfort zone
  • Helps you to live authentically by being true to yourself
  • Discusses how to use your thoughts and energy more effectively
  • Keeps you focused on taking small actions that garner huge results
  • Encourages self-care behaviors to enhance your well-being 

What could you add to the list from your experiences with a mentor?

For more information, feel free to contact me here.

Enjoy your day!

The Right Relationship Starts with You

End the Cycle

As we know, a self-fulfilling prophecy is the inclination to behave in ways that confirm our own or others expectations.

For example, have you ever had the feeling that someone didn’t like you?

If so, that unpleasant feeling has more than likely negatively affected how you treated that person.

In turn, that person experiences your unfavorable behavior toward him or her and treats you poorly as a result.

Their behavior seems to confirm your belief that the person didn’t like you in the first place.

This damaging cycle can be broken if you choose instead to treat the other person well, instead of interacting with others in the same old ways.

For instance, assuming we are liked is a much more satisfying, productive and beneficial belief for all concerned, than assuming we are not.

It encourages good feelings within ourselves and better treatment toward those around us.

This doesn’t mean to be in relationships with people who don’t treat you well, or be with those we don’t feel connected to.

It just means to be more mindful of our reactions in order to respond in ways that help us avoid creating the very behaviors or outcomes we don’t desire.

This new and positive way of behaving can become a self-fulfilling prophecy of its own and expand the potential for creating better results.

What self-fulfilling prophecy have you uncovered?

The Right Relationship Starts with You

Be a Truth Teller

 

When asked how we’re doing, many of us can probably relate to saying ‘I’m FINE’ when we really aren’t. It is actually refreshing to hear someone admit that they don’t feel perfectly wonderful all the time, as presented in the video.

As mere humans, we have a whole range of emotions which thankfully means there isn’t something wrong with us if we aren’t feeling wonderful every minute.

The beautiful part about telling the truth or admitting we don’t always feel fine, is that it opens the door to receiving the necessary help we many need in a particular situation, and allows us to assist others as well.

Additionally, there are great conversations to be found with truth tellers who share beyond the level of ‘small talk.’ Small talk is defined as polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters, especially as engaged in on social occasions.

Certainly, these types of conversations are more appropriate for certain situations, but a steady diet of it can be emotionally draining and deprive us of the needed connection that honest sharing can bring.

Saying ‘I’m fine’ doesn’t necessarily mean we aren’t telling the truth, but only we can be the judge of that, as we are the only ones who knows what’s really going on inside us.

How do you honor your truth?

The Right Relationship Starts with You

 

Grant Yourself Permission

Many books are written about the importance of setting personal boundaries with others and the emotional penalties for not saying ‘no’ when we need to.

However, it is equally important to say ‘yes’ when we need to as well!

We only need our own permission to start treating ourselves better now!

What wonderful way can you say YES to yourself today?

The Right Relationship Starts with You

Do What’s Right for You

 The nature of conflict means you can’t set a boundary in your life and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time.   Martha Beck

Each holiday season is a good time to remember to strengthen our personal boundaries. During this festive time of year, many of us have an extra tendency to take on too much, and over commit ourselves. Sometimes, this is because we are excited about the season and enjoy the gaiety; while other times it is because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, and want to avoid feeling guilty.

Only we can tell the difference within ourselves if we are pleasing ourselves or people pleasing others. If we are engaged in the latter, then it is time to strengthen our boundaries by developing a stronger “no” muscle.

As indicated in my book, it’s actually more loving to have boundaries, be authentic, and take care of our feelings as they arise, as opposed to a passive approach to life. When we don’t speak up for ourselves, it can only breed resentment toward others, and inevitably lead to unloving behavior which is inconsistent with the intention of harmonious living.

Therefore, if what we are being asked to do is not to our liking than we have the freedom to graciously decline the request. We need to remember that we are not responsible for other people’s feelings but are responsible for how we communicate our responses to others.

Similarly, it is important to graciously respect the boundaries of others as well. We may be good at delivering a “no” but not so great at receiving that response from others.

Just as setting loving boundaries with others is a crucial step in self-care, so is setting nurturing boundaries with ourselves as well. Many of us push ourselves beyond the point of what is healthy such as neglecting to put parameters around the number of hours we work or by skimping on sleep.

With that said, below are some wonderful permission slips from Dr. Christiane Northrup, which we can start applying today! The resultant good feelings will create a wonderful ripple effect both within and around us.

  1. Rest when you need to. If you are tired, give yourself permission to sleep. The dishes, the laundry, and the work you didn’t finish today will still be waiting for you tomorrow.
  2. Feel joy every day. Paint, sing, dance, play music, and have sex if you so desire.
  3. Let go of toxic relationships. Toxic people drain you. Work on creating relationships with people who support you as you are.
  4. Love your body. Stop comparing yourself to the air brushed models in the media. Dress the way you want. Do your hair the way you like it.  If this is difficult, do mirror work and tell your body how much you love it.
  5. Trust your intuition. Step out of your comfort zone and go for whatever feels right – maybe it is a new career path, a new health or fitness program, or simply speaking up when you feel the need.
  6. Simplify your life. Focus on what truly matters to you. Don’t let yourself get derailed by drama.
  7. Forgive yourself. Forgiveness is a process. Find time every day to practice forgiveness.
  8. Say “yes.” Saying “yes” to yourself is empowering. Say “yes” to whatever you want in your life, and say “no” to whatever you don’t want.
  9. Feel the guilt. Realize that the guilt you are feeling is probably just cultural programming. Thank it for sharing and release it.
  10. Be yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. You don’t have to fit any cultural mold.

What nurturing choices are you making?

 

 

 

Keep Your Balance

give

Usually our bodies, mind and emotions will let us now when we are out of balance and need to adjust. For instance, I just finished an intensive 8-week course as part of a graduate program, and need to relax for a while to gain my equilibrium.

Naturally, balance is not a static occurrence and sometimes we will be required to work harder than others because of school or a specific project at work.

However, to the best of our ability, it is important to keep aware of what is needed at any given moment, and make whatever adjustments are applicable.

The same balancing principle holds true in daily relating as well. We need to balance giving with receiving and listening with being heard ourselves. Relationships flow better when there is a mutual give-and-take between each other. Additionally, balancing our social media time with private time is essential too!

Getting our needs met is ironically the best way to meet the needs of others, because we aren’t burned out or resentful from lack of self-care.

Therefore, do yourself and others a favor by taking good care of yourself today, and always!

How do you keep in balance?